Don't panic.

These days,
I hate my feelings which are all about loving this city day by day, little by little. I'm gonna cry.
Someone says I'm a typical Sagittarius, who always wants to move around, who never wants to stay in the same place for long time, who likes making friends but it's always hard to understand a Sagittarius.
I always think I hate this country, I hate the fucking coldness here, I hate everything which is considered too Finns, but why do I have kinda unstable feeling whenever I think of my trip back home.
He said: "Little things can make up everything." 
It's true.
I have my friends here, I have fun here, I have good time here, and I HAD him, and  unforgettable memories of him _ the sweetest guy I have ever met. He's part of my Lahti, part of my Finland, part of my student life.
He asked me: "Do you regret for meeting me?"; "Will you forget me? Will you run away from me? Will you ignore me?"
My dear, I never ever regret anything I have with you. You will leave, I'm gonna leaving soon. And maybe we will never ever meet each other again for the rest of our lives. But I'm always sure the time I spent at your place, with you, was a blast. But we cannot be together. That's all...

Time flies! So fast!
Unbelievable! I have been here for 15 months. And I'm still alive.
My teacher sometimes makes a joke of this country that Finland means "End-land" in French. Somehow it fucking hurt. I was wondering if I regretted for my decision? I left all of my questions over there, never try to answer them. I try to be in the middle, accept 2 sides of everything exists in this world.

Yesterday, I had kinda nostalgic moment. My memories went through my mind just like a short film, so slowly, little by little. And I almost cried. It hurts me too much to know I'm afraid to love. I'm acting like I'm strong, but the truth is I'm afraid to love. I don't want to hurt myself, and I don't even allow anybody break my heart again. I can find out so many reason for not loving a man, and day by day, I push them out of my life, and sometimes, I run away from them. I'm afraid to take a step, to get closer to them. I'm panic. I'm freaking out.
Sometimes falling in love is like being an entrepreneur, you make nothing something, or make your everything nothing. You need to accept risks, need to manage risks. You need to invest. You need to be patient to build up your 'something' little by little. You think about it every single day. Sometimes you forget your family because of what you think it is really worth doing. Sometimes you want to give up but sometimes you promise to yourself that you would keep trying as long and as much as possible. And you have competitors. Some are better, more skillful and smarter than you. Some are shitty. Some have kinda same background with you. Whatever!! They are your competitors, and you need to fight. Somehow you get jealous, sometimes you get mad at them, sometimes you need a smart strategy. Sometimes they stress you out. Sometimes they break everything you are building up. Or they possibly are fucking losers.
Who knows?

I wish I can love somebody again, who can keep me calm!